Target Job Application Questionnaire

Cowritten with Hayden Yaussy

A fellow employee approaches you and tries to trick you into listening to union propaganda. What do you do?
A. Tell them you’re not interested and continue working.
B. Take their pamphlet and devolve into communist scum.
C. Throw the nearest heavy object at them and run away screaming.
D. Report the employee to higher management.

How does one treat a cancer?
A. Begin doctor recommended chemotherapy treatments.
B. Do we get health insurance?
C. Cut it out at the source.
D. Report the cancer to higher management.

What are your personal views on the book 1984?
A. It sounds like a valid and productive business model.
B. Seems kind of scary/I’m unsure.
C. I do not read books, and instead prefer to spend all of my time working.
D. I seem to be guilty of thoughtcrimes and will now report myself to higher management.

The statement that best describes my relationship with people outside of work is:
A. I have friends and family who mean a lot to me.
B. I have my co-workers and my dog at home, and that’s all that I need.
C. Well… maybe if I needed to I could put down the dog.
D. I have only the company. I need only the company. I would do everything and anything for the company.

Which of the following best describes the current state of your soul?
A. I’m not sure I understand the question.
B. My soul is available to the highest bidder.
C. If corporate were to recommend I hand over my soul, of course I would comply.
D. I need to consult higher management in order to accurately answer this question.

Check the box that best applies.

What set of adjectives best describe your personality?
☐ Energetic, friendly, servile.
☐ Creative, inquisitive, traitorous.

Target specifically condemns body modifications of any kind, but if higher management condoned it, would you consider getting one of Target’s super cool, stick-it-to-the-man microchips implanted in your neck, free of charge?
☐ Yes

Cassie Sheets is a creative nonfiction and fiction writer, zine maker and curator, and feminist. You can find her other writing in Hair TriggerHypertext Magazine, and Broad!. For more information visit cassiesheets.net.

Hayden Yaussy is an independent filmmaker from Chicago. Find out more on Yaussy’s Vimeo page.