A Public Plea to Chicago’s Vandals

It is against the law to vandalize property, however this proposal of defacement would serve as an act of vigilantism supported by the citizens of Chicago, including the Mayor himself (though he wouldn’t admit it). This is a proposition to the lofty, ambitious vandal who wishes to make history, or at least the morning news.

This concerns the Trump International Hotel and Tower, a glossy, elegant, and slightly obnoxious addition to this city’s skyline. For better or worse, it stands out amongst Chicago’s skyline as a slight oddity in regards to most of the city’s 1920s stalwarts, as well as the other more recent (last fifty years or so), more “boxxy” structures such as the John Hancock, Sears Tower, and Standard Oil Building. No matter what they look like, they are the literal building blocks of what makes the skyline as magnificent as it is – they act as an architectural timeline that can be traced by a simple train ride through the Loop, a timeline which ends with the Trump International Hotel and Tower.

There are some crimes which cannot be ignored. The installation of lights at Wrigley caused a citywide uproar. The namechange of Marshall Fields to Macy’s is one people are still hurting from. They hurt so much because they affected the city’s identity in some way. It affected our identity as one of the only cities with a true, old style ballpark that didn’t need any damn lights anyway, and as a city that didn’t need a damn Macy’s with their NYC-stench and their stupid parade mucking up our streets.

And we don’t need a building emblazoned with the most obnoxious, disturbing letters never seen before in the metropolitan area of Chicago, Illinois. It is a sight unfortunately visible to the naked eye – you’ll be riding the Brown Line into the business and financial district of the Loop, weaving through century-old skyscrapers, historical landmarks, and Jazz Age beauties that Chicago’s known for, and there’s a grandness inherent in the culture of the city’s architecture.

The wheels churn happily along the tracks, the street opens, and between those age-old skyscrapers that have seen more degradation of humanity than a whorehouse is a slick tower with those five letters that are as simple as they are ugly as sin.

T-R-U-M-P.

The concept of Trump putting his name on a glorified condominium isn’t surprising, but seeing it in person gives off the sense a crime has been committed.

No building in this city has its name as obnoxiously visible and glowering as that T-R-U-M-P. Those letters glower because they represent the bully who ordered they be placed there – Donald Trump, a big, glowering bully who would pick on somebody smaller before rising to fight somebody even almost his same size. If a building has a name on it, it’s a name with history in this city, names like Fields, Sears and Roebuck, not T-R-U-M-P.

It is, in the truest sense of the word, a defacement of property, thus I call out to all vandals.

Since the T-R-U-M-P is a defacement of property, it wouldn’t be the worst of crimes to deface the defacement. In reality, it would probably benefit the building. Therefore, I propose the plan to extract the single-most important letter from the building – the T.

I say “single-most important” because it is the first letter of a last name, it is one of the most commonly used letters in the English language according to Wheel of Fortune, and it is what separates “Trump” from the word “rump,” which is believed to be his true surname.

What is a “rump” exactly?

According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary and Thesaurus:

“1 : a : the upper rounded part of the hindquarters of a quadruped mammal
b : buttocks
c : the sacral or dorsal part of the posterior end of a bird
2 : a cut of meat (as beef) between the loin and round — see beef illustration
3 : a small or inferior remnant or offshoot; especially : a group (as a parliament) carrying on in the name of the original body after the departure or expulsion of a large number of its members”

Let us, dear readers, take a closer look at the first two definitions. Each part of #1 and #2 claims a “rump” is in one form or another, “buttocks.” Judging from Donald Trump’s actions of maiming Chicago’s skyline with his own name, this man is undoubtedly an ass.

Then there is the third definition, “a small or inferior remnant or offshoot…” etc. Donald Trump in more recent years has become more infatuated with the culture of Celebrity than acting as CEO and Chairman of the Trump Organization, which is run in large part by his three eldest children. Therefore, he’s nothing more than a remnant of his own name he created for himself.

However, acknowledgment must be made on his behalf. He did build the name to be what it is today. He expanded his father’s business, raised his children to be competent adults, married pretty women, and he currently shapes his toupee into gravity-defying waves. Nonetheless, this man is the pure definition of a “rump.”

Tearing the T off the Trump International Hotel and Tower would not be a defacement of property. It would be giving the Hotel and International Tower its rightful name, and would act as a welcome change to the downtown landscape. The name “Trump” can be kept in other cities, but in Chicago, the name is now, and will forever be “Rump,” and Donald Rump will from this point be referred to as such.

Do what you can, vandals. Just as the word “Rump” and Donald Rump himself have their origins in Germany, your name has a Germanic origin as well. Unlike Rump, your name goes back centuries, referring to a group who traveled from Northern Europe to Africa to rule a small kingdom for over a century, a group that has gone down in history as the warriors who sacked Rome in the year 455. Unlike the toupee’d villain in question, you’re a group that is feared not because of your money or power, but your ability to change the physical space around you at your own will. Changing the name on a building to R-U-M-P won’t anger the man in question because his name is being mocked, but it will strike fear in him because you had the ability to do it, and if there’s one thing a bully fears, it’s his “inferiors” getting the upper hand.

Step up, Chicago vandals, and tear off the T. We hardly pronounce ‘em anyway.