In her column, UNPOPULAR, Annabel Garcia Torres explores unpopular opinions in the zeitgeist.
We all know that there are two types of girls out there in Halloween land. The girls like me who have Halloween ideas planned a year in advance. This year it was a challenging choice between Carmen San Diego or Sheneneh Jenkins from the 90s show Martin.
This girl is the girl who knows how to make the best fake blood and spent hours creating realistic flesh wounds.
But then there are the girls who hit the gym a little extra the weeks before Halloween. They headed to the nearest Lover’s Lane and picked out the teeniest, tiniest police officer costume.
Much judgment has fallen upon these women but could they possibly be heroes? Who else would endure freezing temperature out of commitment to their costume? I live in Chicago and last year in particular it snowed. Or so I heard, I was in San Francisco at the time applying sharpened fake nails to my teeth. I was a vampire.
Regardless of my whereabouts, I bet that out there somewhere in the snowy Chicago weather there was a girl enduring it just to head out in their titillating outfit.
This girl skipped at least two meals that week for her outfit. She paid an outrageous fifty dollars or more for a piece of Saran Wrap that didn’t even cover her entire behind. But that’s ok, she needs to show off the results of those squats she did for three weeks to get that booty lookin’ right, lookin’ tight.
And do you know how many pep talks it took to finally like that junk in the trunk? A least once every week since she could recall having a butt.
And under that costume she wore not one but two bras just for a little extra umph. She’s been told that they are nice but they could be nicer, but hey whose couldn’t use a little help. Kim Kardashian, that is exactly who.
She shaved a little higher than usual on those stems. She was especially trimmed because she would not be able to wear underwear in that outfit.
This girl should always win best costume! All this bloody effort and what? She gets to walk out in bone chilling weather with no coat because it will ruin the entire theme of the costume! But as she walked, other girls, less attractive girls maybe would stare and guys would check her out.
She got to the party or bar but she took too long getting ready and now she had to wait in a line. At some point during the night there will definitely be a line and it will definitely be outside. And her legs will probably be numb from their near vertical position
Now it was cold, she was in heels and worst of all she was sober. Well she got in, she could drink but let’s be honest she couldn’t do much other than stand and wiggle a little. She couldn’t dance on a table without giving a glimpse to her inner workings. She couldn’t scale a wall, like I did in my sensible outfit the year I lost my keys to my apartment.
But you know what she could do? Get some. Isn’t that exactly what she was dressed for? Guys would be the ones talking to her most of the night and her squad of equally attractive girls. But they’re bitchy, especially the skinnier they were.
We can just imagine the sad one liners she heard that fell apart in the air. But alcohol helped and people become wittier as the jungle juice set in.
While she talked to people here and there, she was definitely whispered about. The clusters of taco outfitted girls or decked out zombie brides clucked about her slightly exposed and dimple free butt cheeks. Their words didn’t fall apart in the air. Their words gained strength as they bounced off the walls and dissolved in her head as paranoiac thoughts.
The night dwindled down and she felt that feeling after you leave that last bar. Now she begged for the harsh cold that seemed to stop the spinning. Her feet pulsed in her heels but she would walk out on the street without a label of best costume. She would have different labels rattled off as joined the crowds of stammering people.
She took off her shoes at some point with her feet on the snow dusted Chicago street as she hails a cab. Meanwhile, the girl in the taco costume stumbled out on to the same street with the top part of her costume pulled down to her waist. She too heard the “hey, baby” comments the crowds had to offer.
They would glance over at each other with distain or hopefully a bit of compassion as they both ducked into their own cabs.